Another relationship down the drain. More time spent hurting, wondering why it didn’t work out, and dreading having to “go back out there” again. Why do I keep attracting the wrong person? Is this the question you’re asking yourself, yet again?
It could be because you haven’t thought about dating with a strategic plan in mind!
How do you accomplish any goal in life? You certainly don’t just throw shit at the wall and hope something sticks. You have a clear goal or outcome in mind and you create a detailed action plan of steps to reach that goal. You consistently measure your progress week by week and you make adjustments if you’re not making progress to achieving the goal. Why would dating be any different?
I know most of us have never thought about it that way. It seems so…sterile and rigid. It’s much more relaxing and fun to just see who we might meet out at a bar or scroll through some online profiles and pick out the ones we’re physically attracted to. But as you know…that hasn’t been so successful, has it?
Before I get all preachy on you, let me tell you that I would never have considered doing that a few years ago. But 6 failed relationships later (including a broken engagement and a divorce) – and I quickly realized I needed to go about this much differently than what I was doing. I would bounce back and forth from attracting wonderfully sensitive men that showered me with love and affection but also wanted too much of my time and became overly jealous any time I wanted to spend time alone or with friends – to attracting men that gave me as much space as I needed, but had no clue or interest in the kind of intimacy I wanted. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.
Finally I realized – I could analyze these guys all day long – but at the end of the day the common denominator…was me.
I was attracting both types of men – neither of which I truly desired. But why? What I wanted was a partner that was both sensitive and allowing of my need to pursue other interests outside of the relationship. This is one of the reasons I believe I understand men so well, because typically this role is reversed – the woman wants to spend more time together and the guy needs time on his own.
So, here’s what I did. I created a list, an extensive list of the personality and traits I was seeking in the perfect man for me. When I say extensive – I mean exhaustingly extensive. I listed everything from eye color to family life to hobbies to spiritual practices to passions to sex life – like whether he liked it strictly missionary or was adventurous in the bedroom. EVERYTHING! And then, I put the list away. For years…until I happened across it about a year into my relationship with my current boyfriend and was shocked to find that he fit the description to a tee!
Now many of you might say – oh I’ve done that before or I’ve visualized or I’ve created vision boards and sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. I would agree – but here are the other things I did that I think allowed me to “find” or “attract” my perfect guy.
1. Get Your Mind Right. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Like an athlete – you have to have your head in the game. You have to be clear about what you want and focus on that.
However, most of us have a much easier time dwelling on the things we don’t want or don’t like about our life. In fact, if you watch your language you may notice that even when you think you’re stating what you want, you’re still focusing on what you don’t want. For example, if you say you want to meet someone or you want a relationship, but then you say all the good women are taken, what are you focusing on? The lack of meeting a great woman. Thus, that’s what you’ll get more of! You have to learn to rephrase this into something like, “I am focusing on what I love and how happy I am discovering women that are right for me.” This way you’re focusing on coming from a place of abundance versus scarcity.
2. Attach an Emotion to Your Desire. Get into that feeling place of actually having her. These emotions can be happiness, excitement, joy, appreciation or passion to name a few. Feel the reality of being with her. If you can do this for just sixteen seconds a day, you’ve broken out of the negative vibrations of social consciousness that most of us live in. If you can do it for longer than that, watch out, because you will definitely be getting what you wish for faster than you can imagine. Hence the phrase… be careful what you wish for!
If you’re having trouble getting into this place of excitement, joy or passion about having what you want in life, you need to start asking yourself some questions. Why do I want a relationship? What will I do with my perfect partner? How does having her make me feel? How will my life change if I’m in a great relationship? How will the lives of the people around me change? You may now see that it’s not really the relationship itself that gets you excited, it’s what the relationship means to you, what you can do with it, how it makes you feel. Now you should be in a place where you have the actual feeling/emotion and you’re really jazzed about it. If not, maybe you need to reconsider your desire for whatever it is you THINK you want. Sometimes that’s an eye-opener for people.
Maybe you’re not finding the right woman because you’re not really ready for a relationship.
3. Start Being the Best of You. In order to find that ideal woman, you need to be the kind of person that’s going to naturally attract her. What things do you need to change to make this happen? If you’re unhappy in your job or career but are looking to attract a woman who’s successful and accomplished – not gonna happen. If you’ve slacked off in the exercise department and aren’t feeling great about the way you look but you’re only interested in fit, athletic women – not gonna happen. If you’re not very self-confident or motivated, but you’re attracted to outgoing, self-assured women – not gonna happen. You’ll hear me say this a million times – LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE!
4. Have Fun Being Single. This is the number one thing I did that I think allowed me to attract the perfect guy for me. I truly enjoyed the time I had while I was single. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without having to consider a significant other’s feelings or plans. I stayed up as late or slept in as late as I wanted to. I went to the gym and exercised when I wanted to. I ate what I wanted to. I went out with friends whenever I wanted to. And – most importantly – I had alone time whenever I wanted it. There is something so freeing in this, I feel sorry for people who rush from one relationship to the next as they never get the chance to have this luxury and necessity! How do you really know what you want when you never give yourself enough time to hear your inner guidance?
I also loved meeting new men. I never thought of dating as a hassle or uncomfortable and I just enjoyed the process of learning about new people. Sure it was kind of a bummer when a guy I was just starting to like “disappeared” or said he wasn’t interested. But the way I look at that is he wasn’t the right one and it wasn’t meant to be. On to the next!
5. Be Open to New Possibilities. She may not come in the exact package you expect. Now, I know I just told you to make an extensive list describing your ideal partner – and I do strongly suggest that you do that – but then I want you to put it away and forget about it. You’ve put the intention out there, now let the Universe do its work. One thing that I didn’t put on my list was whether or not my ideal guy was divorced or had children. I put down that I didn’t want children, so at the time I was thinking I would just attract someone who hadn’t been married and didn’t want kids either. Wrong! Had I been obsessed with that list – I may not have given this guy a chance – divorced twice with 3 older kids. I loved everything about him, so I decided to give it a try. I know some things might be deal breakers – like women who are smokers (if you don’t) or just want to lie around on the couch all day (if you want to go on a hike or hit the gym) – but aside from that, don’t be afraid to give someone that you normally wouldn’t consider a chance.
Now you have your game plan for attracting the perfect woman for you. I’d love to hear from you on what you want in an ideal partner AND what challenges you think you have in finding her.
Dr. Diane Hayden is the owner and publisher of Natural Nutmeg Magazine, Essential Living Maine Magazine and Nutmeg Creative Media. She is a speaker, writer and workshop facilitator. She holds a B.S. in Marketing from the University of Connecticut, a Ph.D. in Exercise Physiology from the University of Maryland and is an Empowerment Life Coach. For 20 years, her work has focused on inspiring individuals to learn about the power of thought and emotion and how it shapes their lives through adventure travel and personal development workshops. Her passion centers on helping holistic practitioners get to the next level in their business and life by changing thought patterns and belief systems.
You can learn more about her online at: www.naturalnutmeg.com.