“Learn to ask for what you want. The worst people can do is not give you what you ask for which is precisely where you were before you asked.”
– Peter McWilliams
How many times has this happened to you? You see this beautiful woman – on the train, in the bar, at the grocery store – and you think to yourself, “Wow, she is so hot – I wish I had the balls to just walk over there and talk to her.” But what do you do instead? You watch her walk away. Another opportunity lost forever.
Here’s what I want to tell you. Grow a pair.
I know that sounds harsh – how can I know what it feels like to be you? What if she looks at you like you’re a stalker, what if she ignores you, what if she politely tells you to leave her alone? What if?
But what if she smiles at you, what if she engages with you, what if she asks for YOUR number? You’ll never know if you don’t cross the room.
I call it “crossing the room” because my boyfriend used to tell me all the time that he would NEVER approach a girl in a bar – or pretty much anywhere. And I would say to him, “you have to cross the room because if you don’t, you miss so many amazing opportunities.” Plus, it builds confidence. Sure – you’ll strike out sometimes – but if you do it enough, you will have major successes. And this will give you the confidence to keep doing it.
Why are we so afraid to ask for what we want in life?
For most of us, it’s the fear of rejection. We hate to hear the word “no” and we take it so personally. Why do we take it personally? I believe part of the reason is because as children we hear the word no so often it becomes ingrained in our soul as painful and something to be avoided at all costs.
But what does it really mean when someone tells us no? As McWilliams states in the aforementioned quote, all it really means is that we’re still in the same place as when we started – not better off, but not worse off either. So that means that we have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Asking for something that we want can sometimes be seen as taking a big risk.
In order to be successful, we have to take risks. It truly pains me to think of all the outcomes that could have happened and all of the things I could have had, but I was too afraid to ask. When you start to contemplate this, it will become more painful NOT to ask for what you want, than to take the risk of asking.
When should you give up asking for what you want after repeatedly hearing no?
Never. Now I don’t mean that you continue to ask the same person out time and time again if they keep saying no. However, I do know many couples who are together today because one of them wouldn’t take no for an answer! I mean that you shouldn’t give up on crossing the room for the next girl even if the last 10 said no to you.
Just to give you some perspective on this from the world of sales.
A marketing study done at Notre Dame University found the following statistics:
• 44% of all salespeople quit trying after the first call
• 24% quit after the second call
• 14% quit after the third call
• 12 % quit after the fourth call
This means that 94% of all salespeople quit after the fourth call, but there is another statistic that finds 60% of all sales are made AFTER the fourth call! How many sales were lost because people stopped asking?
Most of the time when someone tells you “no”, it has nothing to do with you personally. They could be having a bad day, they could already be in a relationship, or they could be healing from a breakup. None of these reasons is remotely personal, yet we tend to take it that way.
Life is short; it’s time to start crossing the room!
Dr. Diane Hayden is the owner and publisher of Natural Nutmeg Magazine, Essential Living Maine Magazine and Nutmeg Creative Media. She is a speaker, writer and workshop facilitator. She holds a B.S. in Marketing from the University of Connecticut, a Ph.D. in Exercise Physiology from the University of Maryland and is an Empowerment Life Coach. For 20 years, her work has focused on inspiring individuals to learn about the power of thought and emotion and how it shapes their lives. Her passion centers on helping even just one person navigate the dating scene and find the perfect partner with whom they can share their life.
You can learn more about her online at: http://naturalnutmeg.com.